I have adopted, of late, a habit that I'm sure I share with many men and women here.
When I have the privilege or good fortune to enjoy casual sex with a newly made friend, I like to - after the festivities have come to a satisfactory conclusion - ask my partner(s) if they have any questions, comments or suggestions. I am not adverse, afterall, to being told my flaws and striving to work on them, or learning of any positive qualities that I may want to highlight next time.
However, I've come across a reoccurring problem and one I am struggling to overcome.
Friendliness and bias.
It is a tendency that the sort of people I play with, are also the sort of people who don't want to hurt others feelings. In place of the brutally honest critique I was hoping for, I too often get an 'Oh, you were great'. I know it is not simply attempts to shirk the subject, but I can not for the life of me figure out how to convince them to be painfully direct and honest.
How do you swingers ensure they get an honest answer to a direct question when it comes to discussing your sexual performance? Are you the type of person who would honey coat their answers to keep from hurting feelings?
i think most people would like to try and be nice when giving critique.
but I dont know anyone who likes to be asked how someone was after sex, even if it is just sex, you're post orgasmic glow gets replaced by a checklist and feedback - boo!
everyone likes different things - to trick is to be able to guess or guage before or during the act what works and what doesnt.
not after
I do a fair bit of critical thinking and debate, mainly in the area of religion. One thing I find common, is that many people don't understand the difference between a polemic criticism, which is adversarial in nature and the constructive criticism, which attempt to seek a dialectic. In scientific thinking, as you have mentioned The_Last, it is assumed that all parties simply wish to find the truth for better or worse. From that pov, everybody is on the same side. There are no adversaries other than fallacy itself. It's the mark of a mature mind imho, to want to know what is true, regardless of personal bias. Sex is subjective and there is no right or wrong way to do it, but I think it's a fair question, to ask a partner what they like, and how well your performance hits the mark is by the same token, a fair question too.
People will avoid criticizing you, for the same reason they avoid being criticized themselves. If they assume criticism is adversarial negative or derogatory, because the don't understand any other mode of critical thinking, then they will not want to hold themselves accountable, and will also take leave from any request to call your performance into question. At least, that's the way I see it.
I think you're right in that people do not want to give a critisism - have you ever actually told someone they have bad breath?
Perhaps a new tack on the situation would be to suggest to a perspective partner that you are trying to become a better lovemaker and would appreciate any lessons. This would give you the desired result and empower your partner.
But, and this is important, don't take any lessons are gospel. One mans' trash is another mans' treasure. It is often better to explore and guage what your partner is feeling through their body language, breathing, reactions and muscle movements.
