Advice needed - friends husband

18 May 2012

Ok, so I tend to be real good at getting myself in bad situations, and the past few weeks I have been doing a stunning job of it! So I have decided I would like to get some opinions on at least one of my current problems. A few nights ago I got a text at midnight, booty call methinks so I check my phone and yes, I am right - it is a guy wanting to 'talk' - but it's from an unknown number. So while I am racking my brains trying to think who it is, the phone rings so I answer and guess what, it's a friends husband. Shit I tell him to go home, sleep it off (he's drunk of course) and hang up. He rings me about 15 times that night wanting me to pick him up, most of the times I let it go to voice mail. He rocks up on my doorstep at about 2am, drunk as a skunk, having walked a fair distance to get to my place. I let him in, maybe a mistake but in hindsight he would have made a fuss if I didn't ... so possibly I did the right thing. We did actually talk, although there was a lot of attempted fondling and a kiss. Basically the story is he loves his wife, etc etc but hasn't been getting enough sex for some time. I helped to convince him he needed to go back home, and I drove him back to their street and dropped him off. Ok, whew, situation dealt with for now. But I have been the other woman before, and I know damn well that if they don't get their shit together he will cheat. I also know that she is very traditional, not very sexual, and not likely to change. I don't have many women friends, I get along with men much better and I really really want to keep this friend as she is probably my closest female friend atm. I think that I am doomed either bloody way - if I tell her I will lose a friend. If she finds out through other means I will lose a friend. And if I do nothing their relationship is in very real danger of going down the gurgler while I watch so what kind of a friend would I be. My best friend (male) thinks I need to tell her. But I have never ever told a wife about a cheating hubby ... and I feel like I would be betraying him if I did. No sex took place, maybe it is best not to say anything? But then nothing is going to be resolved is it? Arghhhhhhh! There are kids involved here too sad

Help please! All opinions will be considered but I would like to know your reasoning as well.

18 May 2012

I think you have done the right thing so far by not getting involved sexually and by having dropped him home safely as a good friend would. I don't know your situation well but on the surface I would be inclined not to say anything about this event but as your antenna is up and can see things as they really are in your friends and husbands relationship other tell tale signs would be evident that will give safer examples to open up the conversation with your friend about how their marriage is going. That way it does not implicate you as a scape goat if the marriage goes pear shaped. Continue to be a good friend and support her while being a resistor to a hubby that is unfulfilled.

18 May 2012

<sigh> Very tricky situation, obviously... I wouldn't say anything to her - yet. I have been close to the point of straying myself, but managed to get my shit together (for now) and try to sort things out. Though he was clearly VERY keen for something to happen with you, it didn't, and that may be as far as he goes - might be a wake up call for him... perhaps he'll claw himself back from the edge? Talk to his wife and try to work out a solution? Or leave? Whatever the case, his actions are his responsibility. But if you say nothing then that's putting an unfair burden on you. Why should you keep his secret at the expense of your friendship with his wife? Maybe you could make HIM tell his wife, or at least make him talk to her about their relationship. "You need to talk to your wife. I'm going to go see her on X day, and if you haven't taken steps to sort things out one way or another, I'll be telling her about the other night." ??? If you do talk to her, you don't have to just blurt out all the details immediately... "Is everything OK with you and <hubby>? Did he tell you I gave him a lift home the other night? He phoned in the middle of the night and... he wasn't in good shape." She may not even be aware there's a problem; or at least aware of the extent of it. Anyway, hope your friends work things out.

18 May 2012

Thanks guys, so far it looks like I am doing the right thing keeping quiet at least for now. And I do like your suggestion Afflixion of "Did he tell you I gave him a lift home the other night?" I will keep that in mind for later on I think.

18 May 2012

Quote by afflixion
<sigh>
Very tricky situation, obviously...
I wouldn't say anything to her - yet. I have been close to the point of straying myself, but managed to get my shit together (for now) and try to sort things out. Though he was clearly VERY keen for something to happen with you, it didn't, and that may be as far as he goes - might be a wake up call for him... perhaps he'll claw himself back from the edge? Talk to his wife and try to work out a solution? Or leave? Whatever the case, his actions are his responsibility.
But if you say nothing then that's putting an unfair burden on you. Why should you keep his secret at the expense of your friendship with his wife? Maybe you could make HIM tell his wife, or at least make him talk to her about their relationship. "You need to talk to your wife. I'm going to go see her on X day, and if you haven't taken steps to sort things out one way or another, I'll be telling her about the other night."
???
If you do talk to her, you don't have to just blurt out all the details immediately... "Is everything OK with you and <hubby>? Did he tell you I gave him a lift home the other night? He phoned in the middle of the night and... he wasn't in good shape."
She may not even be aware there's a problem; or at least aware of the extent of it.
Anyway, hope your friends work things out.

^what he said

19 May 2012

The best advice We can give you , really shouldn't be a secret . It is not your job role or obligation to save or fix people . People are the architects of their own misery, you must do things that are in your best interest and at this stage its to keep the friendships, so any action has to be positively towards that goal. I for one would be amazed how this guy can be out at that time of night and mrs not know , further to attend drunk may well be the easy out for you, A lack of discretion is often excused by intoxication and this would be how We would approach and deal with it , get both of them together and make light of it but get it out in the open . If the other relationship has issues so be it but unwillingly you are now involved and you need to extricate yourself from this in a manner that neither endorses or supports drunken approaches A lack of communication and honesty is what ruins relationships, you may be able to facilitate the beginnings of this with these two but its not your job and you have or responsibility to keep this another act of deceit or misinformation. be careful the people you expell so much energy to are not toxic relationships for yourself ,

19 May 2012

Hi, I read your post re your friend. Why don't you ask your girl friend for a drink then ask how is her sex life with hubby. What type of sex do they have. Try and get her to open up. Hopefully she will let you know what is happening in that departemnt. Then make suggestions by telling her what type of sex you like and how you do it. Maybe she is old fashion in her ways about sex and she is shy to talk about sex as most people do. tell her she does not know what she is missing out of. She and her hubby might have a wonderful love & sex life if she tried new ways and sex ideas. Tell her you would coach and advice her. Good luck. Soleteine

19 May 2012

give this to your friend. let her discover what you may already know. she can save her relationship if that is important to her. Her ideas about sex are just a case of bad programing. they can help. but only if she actualy wants too. Dave