Open marriages

10 Jan 2015

The popularity of 'cheating websites' has skyrocketed, but the reality of extramarital sex is no longer as simple as a clear-cut case of betrayal. More and more Australians claim affairs have strengthened their relationships. With January being the busiest time of year for divorce lawyers, should couples be looking at alternative options for keeping the flame alive? Sharon* says that sex with her husband has been better than ever since she began sleeping with another man. Her spouse not only knows about her lover, he helped her choose him — and they discuss every encounter in detail. 'Cheating implies dishonesty,' Sharon told 'There has been nothing dishonest in what I have done. 'I did not want to cheat on my husband and did not want to go out looking for someone. That's why we decided to use a website. It was something we could do together. It meant my husband knew about everything from the beginning.' Sharon says she and Paul have been happily married for more than 30 years, have children and share a passionate sex life. Yet he was 'excited at the prospect' of her meeting someone else, and they vetted candidates together online. While there are boundaries, Sharon believes that with honesty and openness, things don't have to get messy. 'Good communication is the key,' she adds. 'We talk a lot before and after anything is done,' she says. 'He sees all the emails between my lover and I, and we always make time to discuss what I have done and enjoyed.' The couple used website (tagline 'Life is short. Have an affair') to find Sharon's partner, who is also married. The pair exchanged messages about their backgrounds and desires, she said, before meeting for coffee — and quickly arranging to go somewhere private. 'For the first time in 30 odd years I was making love to a new man,' she said. 'It was like being a teenager all over again.' Sharon, Paul and Sharon's lover are far from alone in their lifestyle choices. 'I've been married for 20 years and my wife and I have recently decided to explore an open marriage,' says Joe. 'We're honest and clear about all boundaries and keep communication up. 'The result has been a miraculous injection of libido for us both. My interest in her has skyrocketed since she's been spending regular time with her other lover, and I don't take her for granted any more. The variety is awesome.' has just passed the one million members mark in Australia, with 30 million users worldwide. Men who furtively slip off wedding rings in bars are looking decidedly old-fashioned. "Society tells us that we must behave in a certain way (be monogamous) and if you don't that there's something wrong with you,' founder Noel Biderman told 'The funny thing is that being unfaithful isn't atypical. There's nothing wrong with you if you pursue an affair — if anything, you're one of millions.' Mr Biderman believes extramarital flings can be a positive thing. 'People choose to have affairs for a multitude of reasons. I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all approach to infidelity. However, we most often hear from members that they seek out affairs, not because they don't love their spouse, but because their marriage lacks the intimacy and passion it once had. 'Members on the site are not cheating on their spouse because they're looking for a divorce, more often than not they're seeking out an affair to help keep their marriage together. Why ruin a marriage with a long history and possibly family ties just because needs aren't being met in one area? 'It's important that couples openly communicate their needs, desires and expectations with one another.' Still, most of the relationships on AshleyMadison continue to be covert, with the site providing a 'panic button' to take users to a 'neutral site' should they come close to being caught. 'King of infidelity' Noel Biderman says being unfaithful is nothing unusual. Mr Biderman maintains that he is faithful to his wife, and would be 'devastated' if she had an affair (although he wouldn't blame a website, any more than he would a hotel room.) He was simply a sports attorney who saw an opportunity when he observed clients ducking and weaving to escape detection. In one case, he says, an athlete had a wife in both America and Italy. Since Mr Biderman became involved with the site more than a decade ago, there has been a perceptible shift in attitudes. Increasing numbers of couples are admitting to polyamorous relationships, and with an ageing population and the divorce rate at 42 per cent, society is increasingly accepting of the fact romance can fade. TV and movie characters conduct unremarkable adulterous relationships — from Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright's onscreen power couple in House of Cards to the unions in Jason Reitman movie Men, Women & Children. 'Infidelity is the last sexual for society to overcome,' says Mr Biderman. 'We've seen Western cultures embracing things that were once considered forbidden; for example homosexual relationships and interracial marriages. I believe that with time adultery will become accepted as a natural part of what it means to be human.' His site will launch in 10 new countries this year, including the conservative Catholic Philippines. 'Even in countries where adultery is punishable by death or imprisonment there are people who are willing to risk their lives and freedom to be unfaithful,' said Mr Biderman. Almost half of AshleyMadison's users are women, putting paid to the idea of the loyal, long-suffering wife. The stigma still remains, however, with Sharon admitting she doesn't tell all her family and friends. 'I am concerned about being judged,' she says. 'Unfortunately, we do not live in a society that is comfortable with open relationships, or with women who enjoy sex outside a monogamous relationship. I don't think that sex is something that Australians are comfortable talking openly about.' Yet Australia is one of the most liberal countries — coming in fifth in the cheating charts. Perhaps that day is not so far away. *All names have been changed to protect identities.